full term and counting down the seconds.

when i woke up thursday morning i received an email from babyzone.com....

"congratulations! you are now full term. this means that if your baby is born today, their lungs are fully developed and they are healthy enough to live and function outside of the womb.

i loved that email. there are a RANGE of emotions I'm feeling. its vast...its a wide valley and a tall mountain...

1. i am ready. i cry when i think about holding him. you see, he and I have been buddies for a while now. close as close can be. bestest of friends. after all, he has been living inside of me for almost 10 months. i am ready to be best buds with him face to face.
2. i am not ready. i am not ready because my list is still long....'to do' for kallima photography, 'to do' for the house, 'to do' for josiahs bedroom, and ofcourse, a 'to do' miscellaneous. i am not ready because this means change..............

i have always been completely honest on this blog and i will not stop now......change means pain. change means hard. change means lessons. change means i no longer can have my husband to myself. it means God, Ben, and Josiah....that AND JOSIAH part is hard. i cannot just commit to one. or two. Or just God and Ben. I have another huge commitment now. one that needs me...needs my A-Game...needs more time than I will soon find out that i actually have...needs constant attention. constant love. constant patience and compassion. someone who cannot talk back to me and tell me whats wrong. someone whom I cannot argue and win with. someone ELSE that i have to lay down my life for.

that is hard.

i cherish Ben...oh do I cherish him. He is my husband..my rock...my first love...given to me by God himself and heavens, I cherish him. my selfish nature pains at what i'm "giving up"...what we are "giving up" to become parents. to raise a child...to love someone so much it hurts. because i love BEN so much it hurts.

oh and then i know...i know how amazing God is. I know that we prayed for this. I know that we are ready for this. I know that it is going to be the most fun we've ever had. the hardest thing we've ever taken on. and i am SO excited for it...ALL of it! the good, the bad, the ugly, the smelly...all of it. i am so excited for my mom and dad...for bens parents...for our friends who i know will love josiah like we will love josiah...who will support us and guide us and BE THERE for us when we are hurting and questioning and dont know what to do.

i am so excited to be josiahs mom. to be bens wife. to still, even after the honesty of it all and the realization and admittance that i am selfish and lowly...to still be a Child of God and praise Jesus that he doesnt punish us for admitting how weak we are. Praise him that he is STRONG because we cannot be. praise him for his grace and mercy...for Ben and I will need it...lots of it.

this may be the last picture taken of me pregnant. both sad and really really cool.

i am ready. with God's help I am ready.