full term and counting down the seconds.

when i woke up thursday morning i received an email from babyzone.com....

"congratulations! you are now full term. this means that if your baby is born today, their lungs are fully developed and they are healthy enough to live and function outside of the womb.

i loved that email. there are a RANGE of emotions I'm feeling. its vast...its a wide valley and a tall mountain...

1. i am ready. i cry when i think about holding him. you see, he and I have been buddies for a while now. close as close can be. bestest of friends. after all, he has been living inside of me for almost 10 months. i am ready to be best buds with him face to face.
2. i am not ready. i am not ready because my list is still long....'to do' for kallima photography, 'to do' for the house, 'to do' for josiahs bedroom, and ofcourse, a 'to do' miscellaneous. i am not ready because this means change..............

i have always been completely honest on this blog and i will not stop now......change means pain. change means hard. change means lessons. change means i no longer can have my husband to myself. it means God, Ben, and Josiah....that AND JOSIAH part is hard. i cannot just commit to one. or two. Or just God and Ben. I have another huge commitment now. one that needs me...needs my A-Game...needs more time than I will soon find out that i actually have...needs constant attention. constant love. constant patience and compassion. someone who cannot talk back to me and tell me whats wrong. someone whom I cannot argue and win with. someone ELSE that i have to lay down my life for.

that is hard.

i cherish Ben...oh do I cherish him. He is my husband..my rock...my first love...given to me by God himself and heavens, I cherish him. my selfish nature pains at what i'm "giving up"...what we are "giving up" to become parents. to raise a child...to love someone so much it hurts. because i love BEN so much it hurts.

oh and then i know...i know how amazing God is. I know that we prayed for this. I know that we are ready for this. I know that it is going to be the most fun we've ever had. the hardest thing we've ever taken on. and i am SO excited for it...ALL of it! the good, the bad, the ugly, the smelly...all of it. i am so excited for my mom and dad...for bens parents...for our friends who i know will love josiah like we will love josiah...who will support us and guide us and BE THERE for us when we are hurting and questioning and dont know what to do.

i am so excited to be josiahs mom. to be bens wife. to still, even after the honesty of it all and the realization and admittance that i am selfish and lowly...to still be a Child of God and praise Jesus that he doesnt punish us for admitting how weak we are. Praise him that he is STRONG because we cannot be. praise him for his grace and mercy...for Ben and I will need it...lots of it.

this may be the last picture taken of me pregnant. both sad and really really cool.

i am ready. with God's help I am ready.

36.5 weeks. that point 5 matters, i promise.

*sigh*

thats what i feel like right now! ahh so much has happened since my last post. here i am, approaching 37 weeks and i cannot believe im still up walking around. seriously! no pregnant woman at 37 weeks should be allowed to do anything but sit and catch up on romantic comedies. which, by the way, i plan to do at some point this week...however at the same time, i am HATING just sitting around...i dont know how those on bed-rest stay sane. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to just sit and relax...im so anxious for him to be here.

my mind is running in a billion different directions at this moment and a lot as of late so im going to try and attempt to make this post follow some sort of structure. first...

how i feel: AHHH how i feel.
1. exhausted. but not tired...my body is just exhausted. and i dont help myself, im aware of that. im goin and goin even when im home all day. like i said above, its really hard for me to just sit around. i dont like it. i feel very bleh when i just sit and do nothing. but i know im close, cuz im just plain ol' tired.
2. i literally feel like ive been run over by a truck...haha...when i muster up the strength to do the whole "roll out of bed" routine in the morning, the walk to the bathroom is comparable to the feeling after running a marathon i presume. with every step, the bottoms of your feet start to ache and tingle as the fluids begin to seep BACK down to your ankles...(darn you fluids!)...your back creaks and feels about to give out...your head spins...its really hilarious so the only thing to do is smile and get to where you are going. let me tell you, i love my showers in the morning. not only does it wake me up but it gives my joints an opportunity to loosen up and begin to actually WORK again...so by the time i'm out of the shower i can JUST ABOUT close my hand all the way. sometimes i cant till the middle of the day...
3. thats number three...my joints. THIS i never really read about or have heard anyone talk about, but im sure im not alone....my joints feel like those of a 90 year old! in the mornings i cannot barely move or roll my ankles, bend my knees, close my hands or move my fingers really at old. forget opening up the OJ in the A.M....i gotta give it a few hours before my hands are in full functioning order. and EDITING, holy mother of pain...editing is NOT enjoyable...or typing in general...like right now! just painful...i will be happy to have the use of my joints again, without all this pain.
4. braxton hicks: yes just as of YESTERDAY ive had my brush with them...and not the occasional one, but oh, one every 1-2 minutes or so. and not just uncomfortable, but HIGHLY uncomfortable. this is why i think i wont make it to july 1st. and believe me, im trying not to jinx myself and then get my hopes up that he will be here earlier...but i REALLY dont think im gonna make it, lol.
5. throat issues: apparently josiah is taking up EVERY INCH of space in my innards because theres no room for food in my stomach anymore, and it just creeps and inches back up my esophagus in the middle of night...causing me to shoot up out of bed and swallow swallow swallow lest i just vomit...nice huh? if you werent disturbed and/or had decided to stay celibate your entire life before now, well.....I'm sorry:) haha

i think thats it for the physical symptom department. suffice it to say...im ready for this kiddo to be here!

now on to a more emotional/inward chat. im just so darn emotional. not necessarily a cry baby, just really overcome. i mean, it seems very obvious, again..and im pretty sure ive already mentioned this....but that come a few weeks from now i will no longer be pregnant. and im not gonna cry about that, lol...but its very strange to sit and dwell on that because its so normal to me right now. ive started to picture everything i do now (down to laundry and naps and driving in the car....to ironing, etc...)...well everything i do now + someone being with me at all times during those activities. what thats going to be like. how it wont be as quiet:) or as easy....how every tiny little thing i do on a daily basis is now going to involve me+1. im cherishing every tiny moment ben and i have together, alone. we were driving in the car yesterday...no ipod, no conversation...just the wind blowing through the car and our hands held on top of the drive shaft...and quiet. just quiet. and i thought...how strange that this is one of the last times this will happen. how weird that these times will so few and far between come a few weeks from now. and then my mind is wandering and i thought...HOW IRONIC...how totally backwards it is that the last few weeks you have alone with your husband you feel like total CRAP. your fat, swollen, cumbersome, cranky, emotional, irrational....why cant it be that the last few weeks of pregnancy are just heaven on earth and you feel light as a feather, healthy as an ox, as vivacious and vibrant as a child....with the energy of a marathon runner...WHY WHY WHY!!!??? why is this backwards. and ofcourse it makes no sense, but i thought..."well pregnancy is just backwards...it really should be that you feel totally terrible and like crap the entire time and with this huge belly right away, and then the last month your belly disappears and you feel amazing..." WHAT? yes this is how my mind works...there is no common sense, i realize this. it just struck me as very odd that the last moments i have with my husband where its just me and my husband...well, i feel like poo. i dont like that:(

i must say, im quite excited for this adventure. this journey. after all, thats all it is. a new milestone, a new beginning to the same life...something that will be super fun, super hard....but really, even in my last few weeks i'm realizing that though everything changes, everything stays the same. God is still there, your friends and family...still around...your marriage, still there...your love for life, your passions, your hobbies...all still there...everyday life of cooking, cleaning, working, pursuing your dreams...STILL THERE. i'm prepared for the change. and im prepared for everything to just be just like it always is. im excited about both.

so as i said earlier..a lot has happened in the past 3 weeks!
1. my last day at the salon...FOREVER...was may 29th. hallelujah and praise the lord. amen.
2. my last wedding until august was may 30th. i almost didnt make it...it was a 13 hour day for me and i was OVER standing up on my feet after 2 hours of it. haha. but i survived.
3. i finally got to start josiahs room and get ready for him to come. with TONS of help from my girlfriends...which you will see below in just a few.
4. i have ordered and purchased most of what i need for the room. his uber cool lamp is on its way, as is my moby wrap, my sweet diaper bag...oh and we are getting the crib this week..bens almost done with his dresser and we'll be picking up the changing table this week too probably, i found a rocker/glider at World Thrift for $35 which i am SO proud of...bens going to reupholster it for me...the picture wall is almost finished, and ive painted his shelves and hung up the "JH"...his clothes are in his closet....its all coming together.
5. ben and i celebrated our 5 year anniversary yesterday....holy craziness! i know. super low key...we drove down south for lunch in boca...hung out together at home, saw an afternoon movie and then went to palm beach grill for dinner....(where i started having the braxton hicks, lol)...and then spent the rest of the evening until after midnight dealing with my braxton hicks and calling my dr. and my mom and ben reading up on what i was feeling. a funny way to end our anniversary...but totally fitting for where we are in this life.

i am so happy. so blessed. my dreams are coming true. i could not ask for anything else at this point than a blessed and non-eventful delivery and healthy josiah. right now, thats what im praying for.

thanks for reading the endless novel that is my rambling life....here are some recent pics. and yes, you can say it...holy fatface! there. i said it. my face is fat. i cannot WAIT for my face not to be fat anymore. its totally NOT a good look for me.

32 weeks. can i start the countdown now?

56 days. thats it, really. and thats just when the OFFICIAL due date is...and i always think those are a load of crap. i mean, the baby comes when the baby comes. ya know? so really...i could potentially have him in the next 4-6 weeks...now THAT is exciting.

56 days. this also means that in 56 days time i could potentially be getting back into "my old body". haha. that sounds so funny...old body. like this one is new and fresh, lol. i gotta say though, i saw a pic of myself yesterday in my uber cute black skinny jeans and i found myself PINING for them to once again fit me....haha. sometimes i feel shallow for thinking like this, but come on.,...when you're used to one thing and then you blimp up into another...its hard! oh well...for now its worth it. after josiah comes its ON! i might just continue blogging and regale my "get back my body" adventures. that should be humorous.

56 days...means that in 56 days time i could be holding, feeding, changing, loving, dressing, kissing, hugging my awesome kid. and he will be awesome. i mean, im married to BEN! how could my kiddo not be rad. :) i can tell im in the home stretch....many reasons for this which i'll talk about below...but one reason is im ridiculously emotional. i mean, i cry seeing babies, watching biggest loser, opening presents (a joyous thing, right??), saying goodbye to my bro who i will see again in a week, simply TALKING to be about josiah...im not used to this! in all fairness to those who are reading this and know me, i will admit im pretty emotional NOT pregnant, but in a different way...in a passionate, melodramatic kind of way. not the tears at the aroma of johnson and johnson kind of way. sheesh! btw that lavendar fancy J&J line smells flipping amazing. seriously, how to they create literal BABY smell and bottle it up? they are genuises.

so to let you know how ive been feeling...
1. the swelling has commenced. haha. i notice it mostly at work because i stand in one spot or sit most of the day....(trying to take it easy)....and my ankles and hands get quite puffy. it also gets bad when i edit, which is like, ALL the time. sitting at my computer for 7 hours straight with my feet on the ground REALLY does a number and i get up with balloons for feet.
2. im more tired now...i cant honestly say i think ive taken ONE nap this entire pregnancy (my schedule doesnt really allow for naps...)...but i have a feeling im going to make them more frequent if i can. i feel like im sleeping a little better because i have my routine down, but my body is just so tired that it makes my mind tired too...
3. my lower back doesnt hurt anymore, but its a different kind of thing...like, it feels fatigued...sometimes just standing up at work, i feel like my lower back is about to just give out and i'll collapse. apparently josiah is going through a large "growth spurt" in the next few weeks (GREAT) so hes getting heavier and "fatiguing" my back...is that a word? i dont know so.
4. he is so active, still...but now its like reaaaally strong and defined movements. like i can sit here and go "oooop, that was a foot going from this end of my stomach to the other...". the movements are more frequent, more defined, more prolonged...does that make sense? and the strong ones feel UBER weird now.

thats pretty much it. not much to write home about....my BP is habitually low and its gong up a teensy bit and stayed there, but my doc says that normal in the 3rd trimester. as long as im below 140/90 im golden she says...im nowhere near that. regardless, a great girl i met on facebook thr0ugh a mutual friend is going to let me borrow her bp monitor for the duration of my pregnancy...pretty awesome of her. so i will be able to check it daily....SARAH this is just for you buddy! aka my second mom:)

and for those who are wondering, no i still havent started his room. HAHA. literally, i havent had a moments time. It looks like the beginning of JUNE is going to be the earliest time i can get to it...ive talked to some other girls from my church who are telling me "let people help you, aka me!!"...and i think ive decided im going to have a "do josiahs room" party and get some food and music and just get it done. i think it'll be fun. stay tuned chicas. and i really appreciate your willingness.

its a busy next 4 weekends of weddings....prayers are greatly appreciated! i just gotta get to may 31st....and then he can come whenever he wants:)

ok now for the entertainment portion...here i am at 31 weeks, my mommy took this while i was down in deland...

here are the ridiculous feet...now honestly, these look really good compared to what im lookin like today!!

here are a few more shots from my belly shoot...ms. kelley boykin took these! love em.


annnnd here are a few of me from my 60s shower that again, the lovely mrs. kelley boykin threw for me. what an amazing gal. im posting an album on facebook but these are just me..amanda took this one. NICE ANGLE buddy. haha thanks!
amanda ALSO took this one. what the crap! typical. me eating. notice that what the camera saw first to focus on was the belly...NOT my face. hmmmm.
and this one i took....this is little tessa. shes amazing...she belongs to our friends sami and russell. she loves oliver. and she was tired here. man, he looks hot with a little kiddo next to him. ;)

30 weeks. and the bikini.

ok so i dont have a 30 week picture yet today. mostly because i always forget to have ben take them of me weekly, but also because after the shenanigans i put myself through yesterday im terrified of photographic coverage of all of this. haha. oh what a day. will explain further down. but since no post is interesting without some kind of photo stimulation, here are some shots of what josiah is supposed to look like this week, and ofcourse, the "compare your child to a vegetable" pic.


cool thing is he can see light and dark now. :)

and here is what babycenter.com is comparing josiah to this week. cabbage!!


He's apparently about 3 lbs now! and around 15-16 inches long....dont ask how he is 3lbs but ive gained 30. GRR!
ok so after posting THAT for everyone to see, let me just regale my breakdown yesterday. it was not pretty.

ive been noticing some niiiice swelling going on in my ankles, toes, and hands the last few weeks...nothing too noticeable, but ya know, when the bone on the outside of your ankle starts to disappear, you take notice. so i havent exactly been taking it easy. at all. i just dont have time, seriously...its just a time issue...with the salon and my wedding season thats going on right now, i just have so much work to do.

after kate and garretts rehearsal dinner friday night in lynchburg, we came back to the hotel and i had melons for ankles. OH YEA...so i was hoping/praying they wouldnt bother me at the wedding saturday. and praise God they didnt! I'm pretty sure Friday cankles happened because i was on flights the entire morning and man they did a number on my swelling. So Sunday came, and back to the flights we went...and i was a bit swollen but again, not too bad. TUESDAY at work...i was in my nice, comfortable, cushy, SUPPORTIVE nurture mary janes all day...so you'd think id be ok. well about noon i noticed that my toes, entire top of my foot, ankles...every part of that extremity down there was BALLOONING. i started to freak out a little bit. ok a lot. i started with nervous laughter, showing the girls at the salon..."See! look at this ridiculousness!"...tried to sit as much as possible but hey, I'm a salon manager. theres a lot to do and i was running around a lot. by the time 645 came along and i was leaving the salon, i was in full on panic looking at my ankles. i stopped at target because well, a good way to reduce swelling is to swim and i'd decided i needed to start doing this every day at some point. and hello, i do not have my "last october" body so the bikini i had was literally obscene. as you can tell, ive been putting off this whole buying a "while pregnant" bikini thing. but honestly, until you start putting them on in a dressing room with mirrors on all sides you really have no idea what you TRULY look like.

well i chose the sizes i thought would be good, ofcourse they are a lot larger than what i would normally wear which was depressing but....i hadnt gone into the dressing room yet so honestly this was the MOST PLEASANT part little did i know. i started to try on. i started to panic. once you turn around and see yourself from the back and see EXACTLY what tragedies have happened to you, you just dont know....seriously, its hard to see your whole body at 7.5 months pregnant. its hard to bend over, to shave, to put on your shoes...let alone scope yourself out from behind. i realized the the top sizes were fine, and all the bottom sizes were too small. TOO SMALL! ok i know ive been blessed with some curves but THIS SIZE...too small? i literally freaked out. i calmed myself so the dressing room girls didnt call 911 or anything, got my top and bottom and got the heck outta there. saying the whole time on the way to the register that..."ok, its just 2 more months of this. you can buy this size and just wear it for two months. you can handle looking like this for 2 more months." i got to my car, and got to the I-95 on ramp and LOST IT. convulsions, crying like a baby, balling, making the people in the cars passing me feel really badly for me...the works. im talking to myself saying "ive never in my life looked like this...never in my life felt UGLY, literally a beast...."....and then I thought of ben. POOR BEN. i started to hyperventilate, i texted him (yes while driving on 95 and crying so hard i could barely see) and told him i think i was having a panic attack. i think i was, really. i started talking to myself again, partly to me partly to God saying "i wouldnt want to TOUCH me if i were him, this poor guy....what have i let happen to me?" i just felt sooo bad for Ben. seriously. and ofcourse, my ego was CRUSHED. not that i have a big one, but what little self-esteem i had i literally felt like was run over by the mack truck flying by me. it died.

if you read earlier in my blog, in the beginning...you'll see i said things like "oh i'll be fine, whatever i look like whatever i gain i'll be ok with it...its all for josiah its all worth it". and it is. dont get me wrong. in some way i still feel this way. but until you look in that mirror and see what has erupted on you in literally a few weeks time, you just cant know. and i consider myself a strong person...i was not prepared:)

i got home and sat on the couch with my feet up all night watching the biggest loser (yea, GREAT show for me to watch after my day, i know...) and law and order. oh yea, i forgot to mention that when i got home and took off my shoes, i looked down to find that my feet were PURPLE...haha. so swollen and puffy and literally purple! haha. to add to it all...:)

i was still crying when ben got home, he helped me feel better...and praise the Lord he says im still as beautiful as ever. i have to believe him and believe that he really thinks that.

if you all reading this know me, you know this is not like me!!! im pretty confident, not easily shaken...but i can tell you i think its a combination of things...
1. im emotional! hello hormones
2. i dont enjoy bikini shopping when im NOT pregnant, so this trip was just too awful for words.
3. im so ready for josiah to be here and to be a mom that i am just overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings.
4. pregnancy really DOES change everything. especially your body. and i should have been prepared after reading jenny mccarthys book because really, she is an expert (wink wink). but i just wasnt.

so today my eyes are a bit swollen, along with my ankles:) but i praise my Father because he is sovereign. he is taking care of me, taking care of josiah, and he will mend my battered pregnant body, lol. i have way too much to be thankful for to whine about how i will terrify the small child at the pool in my new bikini. for goodness sakes, i have a living little person inside of me that with Gods help..ben and I are going to love and parent and change our lives for. its going to be amazing.

so im ready for him to come now:) and im going to try and save my drama fo yo mama in the future. atleast it was a good read, huh?

in other news, i am infact 30 weeks which i cannot BELIEVE. its flown by. josiahs room has STILL not been started. heres how ive been feeling (outside of what you already read above!)
1. tired. booty tired! still not sleeping well at all. and my record for middle of the night bathroom breaks is now 7. seven times!!! thats like once every hour!
2. i feel super cumbersome. getting up and down and into cars and off the couch, well its harder than ever, haha.
3. swollen. nuff said.
4. back is sore a lot....but thats mainly because im not stretching it or working out like i should.

thats about the extent of it. and yes, i do realize this was a novel of a post. thanks for reading. :) hopefully my next post will be updated with lots of news and pictures about how im finally starting on his ROOM. we shall see.

28 week pics...

hola folks. been a crazy/ridiculous/busy/emotional/whirlwind couple of weeks. will post a 30 week me and josiah update today too, but here are some shots from my belly shoot. yes, i caved and had one done. im glad i did. MUST remember how i looked so i can know exactly how much to work out when he's outta me. :)

love Jessica Lorren.

27 weeks. seriously?

cannot BELIEVE we are this far already. HELLO EVERYONE! sorry its been a few weeks...i've had 4 weddings in the last 5 weekends so ive been kinda MIA...for everything. including my own life, haha. so before we go any further, here i am at 27 weeks. this is my "i'm mad because im huge" face." like it?



I was greeted with an un-friendly number on the scale at the ob today...i wont even tell BEN this number. BLEH! ahh all i can do is laugh and do my best to stay away from cupcakes i guess..anyhow, here are some updates.

1. josiah is cool. i mean, doing well....he's a little over a pound and a half and stretches about 14 inches heel to head. nuts! his heartbeat stays around 140-150..apparently thats normal!
2. my blood pressure is good, my belly is measuring right where it should be, and for the most part im feeling fine! my back doesnt hurt every day now, just maybe one day a week and mostly just at the salon (because im standing all day or sitting on a stool with no back....)
3. i gave up and took off my wedding band and other rings on sunday. they were starting to get pretty tight:) i ran over to kohls where i know they have sterling silver rings...and i picked up one for my right hand, as well as a thick silver band for my ring finger....its a little big right now but im sure it wont be soon enough! the best part is that all their sterling silver rings were 60% off. gotta love sales in this economy. here are my rings!



4. i am starting to really prepare for my next two months. april and may are so busy for me at the salon and traveling for photography...i'm in virginia in 2 weeks for a wedding, every sunday, monday, and tuesday in april is booked with photo shoots and meetings...im at the ob every 2 weeks now instead of 4, i have to start and finish josiahs room/aka moving my office into our bedroom/aka re-doing our bedroom to fit my office....we need to clean out the garage, i have two showers coming up, easter is almost here, i have 5 weddings in may, i have to finish registering, i have to PAINT....ahhhh! the list gets longer and longer. i so wish i could leave the salon sooner and have more time in my days but its just not going to happen. i need HELP! any takers?

5. im having a belly shoot next week. YES. i broke down. its all jess' fault...and kelley's. My friend and photographer extraordinaire Jess Cornett is doing the photo taking..Kelley is doing my makeup, and hopefully steve madden is providing my hot footwear...haha im hitting up a dsw this weekend! i figure ya know what...im huge. i have to feel hot for this shoot! what better way then to snag some peep toe pumps that scream i am fabulous? so yea stay tuned for pics from that, if im brave enough to post any.

lastly, i just wanna praise jesus. praise him because im healthy, i can walk, sit, stand, (for the most part, haha), breathe deeply and sometimes get a decents night sleep. thank him because he has kept me well and protected me from any harm or pregnancy woes. praise him because he was faithful in giving us josiah inside of me and from what we can see, josiah is doing really well. thank and praise him for supportive family and friends and relationships with people who are loving and caring and praying for us dilligently as we get closer to being parents.

alright enough sappy-ness. i AM going to bed before midnight tonight. :) peace out girl scouts!

24 1/2 week shot.

well the time has finally come where i can no longer pretend to look cute. "getting away with it" is sadly, no longer an option. i am large, and in charge. fantastic!

ok haha this picture cracks me up. i have no legs, my face is gay, i look backwards, and the way my dress is hanging im all straight in the back and WHAM round in the front. HAHA. truly horrific. BEN, i demand you take "not as retarded" pictures of me in the future!!

ok thats it for now. i'll update with a more wordy post at my 24 weeks...this thursday. because pregnant people are tired and well, im one of those pregnant people....and im tired. night!