full term and counting down the seconds.

when i woke up thursday morning i received an email from babyzone.com....

"congratulations! you are now full term. this means that if your baby is born today, their lungs are fully developed and they are healthy enough to live and function outside of the womb.

i loved that email. there are a RANGE of emotions I'm feeling. its vast...its a wide valley and a tall mountain...

1. i am ready. i cry when i think about holding him. you see, he and I have been buddies for a while now. close as close can be. bestest of friends. after all, he has been living inside of me for almost 10 months. i am ready to be best buds with him face to face.
2. i am not ready. i am not ready because my list is still long....'to do' for kallima photography, 'to do' for the house, 'to do' for josiahs bedroom, and ofcourse, a 'to do' miscellaneous. i am not ready because this means change..............

i have always been completely honest on this blog and i will not stop now......change means pain. change means hard. change means lessons. change means i no longer can have my husband to myself. it means God, Ben, and Josiah....that AND JOSIAH part is hard. i cannot just commit to one. or two. Or just God and Ben. I have another huge commitment now. one that needs me...needs my A-Game...needs more time than I will soon find out that i actually have...needs constant attention. constant love. constant patience and compassion. someone who cannot talk back to me and tell me whats wrong. someone whom I cannot argue and win with. someone ELSE that i have to lay down my life for.

that is hard.

i cherish Ben...oh do I cherish him. He is my husband..my rock...my first love...given to me by God himself and heavens, I cherish him. my selfish nature pains at what i'm "giving up"...what we are "giving up" to become parents. to raise a child...to love someone so much it hurts. because i love BEN so much it hurts.

oh and then i know...i know how amazing God is. I know that we prayed for this. I know that we are ready for this. I know that it is going to be the most fun we've ever had. the hardest thing we've ever taken on. and i am SO excited for it...ALL of it! the good, the bad, the ugly, the smelly...all of it. i am so excited for my mom and dad...for bens parents...for our friends who i know will love josiah like we will love josiah...who will support us and guide us and BE THERE for us when we are hurting and questioning and dont know what to do.

i am so excited to be josiahs mom. to be bens wife. to still, even after the honesty of it all and the realization and admittance that i am selfish and lowly...to still be a Child of God and praise Jesus that he doesnt punish us for admitting how weak we are. Praise him that he is STRONG because we cannot be. praise him for his grace and mercy...for Ben and I will need it...lots of it.

this may be the last picture taken of me pregnant. both sad and really really cool.

i am ready. with God's help I am ready.

36.5 weeks. that point 5 matters, i promise.

*sigh*

thats what i feel like right now! ahh so much has happened since my last post. here i am, approaching 37 weeks and i cannot believe im still up walking around. seriously! no pregnant woman at 37 weeks should be allowed to do anything but sit and catch up on romantic comedies. which, by the way, i plan to do at some point this week...however at the same time, i am HATING just sitting around...i dont know how those on bed-rest stay sane. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to just sit and relax...im so anxious for him to be here.

my mind is running in a billion different directions at this moment and a lot as of late so im going to try and attempt to make this post follow some sort of structure. first...

how i feel: AHHH how i feel.
1. exhausted. but not tired...my body is just exhausted. and i dont help myself, im aware of that. im goin and goin even when im home all day. like i said above, its really hard for me to just sit around. i dont like it. i feel very bleh when i just sit and do nothing. but i know im close, cuz im just plain ol' tired.
2. i literally feel like ive been run over by a truck...haha...when i muster up the strength to do the whole "roll out of bed" routine in the morning, the walk to the bathroom is comparable to the feeling after running a marathon i presume. with every step, the bottoms of your feet start to ache and tingle as the fluids begin to seep BACK down to your ankles...(darn you fluids!)...your back creaks and feels about to give out...your head spins...its really hilarious so the only thing to do is smile and get to where you are going. let me tell you, i love my showers in the morning. not only does it wake me up but it gives my joints an opportunity to loosen up and begin to actually WORK again...so by the time i'm out of the shower i can JUST ABOUT close my hand all the way. sometimes i cant till the middle of the day...
3. thats number three...my joints. THIS i never really read about or have heard anyone talk about, but im sure im not alone....my joints feel like those of a 90 year old! in the mornings i cannot barely move or roll my ankles, bend my knees, close my hands or move my fingers really at old. forget opening up the OJ in the A.M....i gotta give it a few hours before my hands are in full functioning order. and EDITING, holy mother of pain...editing is NOT enjoyable...or typing in general...like right now! just painful...i will be happy to have the use of my joints again, without all this pain.
4. braxton hicks: yes just as of YESTERDAY ive had my brush with them...and not the occasional one, but oh, one every 1-2 minutes or so. and not just uncomfortable, but HIGHLY uncomfortable. this is why i think i wont make it to july 1st. and believe me, im trying not to jinx myself and then get my hopes up that he will be here earlier...but i REALLY dont think im gonna make it, lol.
5. throat issues: apparently josiah is taking up EVERY INCH of space in my innards because theres no room for food in my stomach anymore, and it just creeps and inches back up my esophagus in the middle of night...causing me to shoot up out of bed and swallow swallow swallow lest i just vomit...nice huh? if you werent disturbed and/or had decided to stay celibate your entire life before now, well.....I'm sorry:) haha

i think thats it for the physical symptom department. suffice it to say...im ready for this kiddo to be here!

now on to a more emotional/inward chat. im just so darn emotional. not necessarily a cry baby, just really overcome. i mean, it seems very obvious, again..and im pretty sure ive already mentioned this....but that come a few weeks from now i will no longer be pregnant. and im not gonna cry about that, lol...but its very strange to sit and dwell on that because its so normal to me right now. ive started to picture everything i do now (down to laundry and naps and driving in the car....to ironing, etc...)...well everything i do now + someone being with me at all times during those activities. what thats going to be like. how it wont be as quiet:) or as easy....how every tiny little thing i do on a daily basis is now going to involve me+1. im cherishing every tiny moment ben and i have together, alone. we were driving in the car yesterday...no ipod, no conversation...just the wind blowing through the car and our hands held on top of the drive shaft...and quiet. just quiet. and i thought...how strange that this is one of the last times this will happen. how weird that these times will so few and far between come a few weeks from now. and then my mind is wandering and i thought...HOW IRONIC...how totally backwards it is that the last few weeks you have alone with your husband you feel like total CRAP. your fat, swollen, cumbersome, cranky, emotional, irrational....why cant it be that the last few weeks of pregnancy are just heaven on earth and you feel light as a feather, healthy as an ox, as vivacious and vibrant as a child....with the energy of a marathon runner...WHY WHY WHY!!!??? why is this backwards. and ofcourse it makes no sense, but i thought..."well pregnancy is just backwards...it really should be that you feel totally terrible and like crap the entire time and with this huge belly right away, and then the last month your belly disappears and you feel amazing..." WHAT? yes this is how my mind works...there is no common sense, i realize this. it just struck me as very odd that the last moments i have with my husband where its just me and my husband...well, i feel like poo. i dont like that:(

i must say, im quite excited for this adventure. this journey. after all, thats all it is. a new milestone, a new beginning to the same life...something that will be super fun, super hard....but really, even in my last few weeks i'm realizing that though everything changes, everything stays the same. God is still there, your friends and family...still around...your marriage, still there...your love for life, your passions, your hobbies...all still there...everyday life of cooking, cleaning, working, pursuing your dreams...STILL THERE. i'm prepared for the change. and im prepared for everything to just be just like it always is. im excited about both.

so as i said earlier..a lot has happened in the past 3 weeks!
1. my last day at the salon...FOREVER...was may 29th. hallelujah and praise the lord. amen.
2. my last wedding until august was may 30th. i almost didnt make it...it was a 13 hour day for me and i was OVER standing up on my feet after 2 hours of it. haha. but i survived.
3. i finally got to start josiahs room and get ready for him to come. with TONS of help from my girlfriends...which you will see below in just a few.
4. i have ordered and purchased most of what i need for the room. his uber cool lamp is on its way, as is my moby wrap, my sweet diaper bag...oh and we are getting the crib this week..bens almost done with his dresser and we'll be picking up the changing table this week too probably, i found a rocker/glider at World Thrift for $35 which i am SO proud of...bens going to reupholster it for me...the picture wall is almost finished, and ive painted his shelves and hung up the "JH"...his clothes are in his closet....its all coming together.
5. ben and i celebrated our 5 year anniversary yesterday....holy craziness! i know. super low key...we drove down south for lunch in boca...hung out together at home, saw an afternoon movie and then went to palm beach grill for dinner....(where i started having the braxton hicks, lol)...and then spent the rest of the evening until after midnight dealing with my braxton hicks and calling my dr. and my mom and ben reading up on what i was feeling. a funny way to end our anniversary...but totally fitting for where we are in this life.

i am so happy. so blessed. my dreams are coming true. i could not ask for anything else at this point than a blessed and non-eventful delivery and healthy josiah. right now, thats what im praying for.

thanks for reading the endless novel that is my rambling life....here are some recent pics. and yes, you can say it...holy fatface! there. i said it. my face is fat. i cannot WAIT for my face not to be fat anymore. its totally NOT a good look for me.

32 weeks. can i start the countdown now?

56 days. thats it, really. and thats just when the OFFICIAL due date is...and i always think those are a load of crap. i mean, the baby comes when the baby comes. ya know? so really...i could potentially have him in the next 4-6 weeks...now THAT is exciting.

56 days. this also means that in 56 days time i could potentially be getting back into "my old body". haha. that sounds so funny...old body. like this one is new and fresh, lol. i gotta say though, i saw a pic of myself yesterday in my uber cute black skinny jeans and i found myself PINING for them to once again fit me....haha. sometimes i feel shallow for thinking like this, but come on.,...when you're used to one thing and then you blimp up into another...its hard! oh well...for now its worth it. after josiah comes its ON! i might just continue blogging and regale my "get back my body" adventures. that should be humorous.

56 days...means that in 56 days time i could be holding, feeding, changing, loving, dressing, kissing, hugging my awesome kid. and he will be awesome. i mean, im married to BEN! how could my kiddo not be rad. :) i can tell im in the home stretch....many reasons for this which i'll talk about below...but one reason is im ridiculously emotional. i mean, i cry seeing babies, watching biggest loser, opening presents (a joyous thing, right??), saying goodbye to my bro who i will see again in a week, simply TALKING to be about josiah...im not used to this! in all fairness to those who are reading this and know me, i will admit im pretty emotional NOT pregnant, but in a different way...in a passionate, melodramatic kind of way. not the tears at the aroma of johnson and johnson kind of way. sheesh! btw that lavendar fancy J&J line smells flipping amazing. seriously, how to they create literal BABY smell and bottle it up? they are genuises.

so to let you know how ive been feeling...
1. the swelling has commenced. haha. i notice it mostly at work because i stand in one spot or sit most of the day....(trying to take it easy)....and my ankles and hands get quite puffy. it also gets bad when i edit, which is like, ALL the time. sitting at my computer for 7 hours straight with my feet on the ground REALLY does a number and i get up with balloons for feet.
2. im more tired now...i cant honestly say i think ive taken ONE nap this entire pregnancy (my schedule doesnt really allow for naps...)...but i have a feeling im going to make them more frequent if i can. i feel like im sleeping a little better because i have my routine down, but my body is just so tired that it makes my mind tired too...
3. my lower back doesnt hurt anymore, but its a different kind of thing...like, it feels fatigued...sometimes just standing up at work, i feel like my lower back is about to just give out and i'll collapse. apparently josiah is going through a large "growth spurt" in the next few weeks (GREAT) so hes getting heavier and "fatiguing" my back...is that a word? i dont know so.
4. he is so active, still...but now its like reaaaally strong and defined movements. like i can sit here and go "oooop, that was a foot going from this end of my stomach to the other...". the movements are more frequent, more defined, more prolonged...does that make sense? and the strong ones feel UBER weird now.

thats pretty much it. not much to write home about....my BP is habitually low and its gong up a teensy bit and stayed there, but my doc says that normal in the 3rd trimester. as long as im below 140/90 im golden she says...im nowhere near that. regardless, a great girl i met on facebook thr0ugh a mutual friend is going to let me borrow her bp monitor for the duration of my pregnancy...pretty awesome of her. so i will be able to check it daily....SARAH this is just for you buddy! aka my second mom:)

and for those who are wondering, no i still havent started his room. HAHA. literally, i havent had a moments time. It looks like the beginning of JUNE is going to be the earliest time i can get to it...ive talked to some other girls from my church who are telling me "let people help you, aka me!!"...and i think ive decided im going to have a "do josiahs room" party and get some food and music and just get it done. i think it'll be fun. stay tuned chicas. and i really appreciate your willingness.

its a busy next 4 weekends of weddings....prayers are greatly appreciated! i just gotta get to may 31st....and then he can come whenever he wants:)

ok now for the entertainment portion...here i am at 31 weeks, my mommy took this while i was down in deland...

here are the ridiculous feet...now honestly, these look really good compared to what im lookin like today!!

here are a few more shots from my belly shoot...ms. kelley boykin took these! love em.


annnnd here are a few of me from my 60s shower that again, the lovely mrs. kelley boykin threw for me. what an amazing gal. im posting an album on facebook but these are just me..amanda took this one. NICE ANGLE buddy. haha thanks!
amanda ALSO took this one. what the crap! typical. me eating. notice that what the camera saw first to focus on was the belly...NOT my face. hmmmm.
and this one i took....this is little tessa. shes amazing...she belongs to our friends sami and russell. she loves oliver. and she was tired here. man, he looks hot with a little kiddo next to him. ;)

30 weeks. and the bikini.

ok so i dont have a 30 week picture yet today. mostly because i always forget to have ben take them of me weekly, but also because after the shenanigans i put myself through yesterday im terrified of photographic coverage of all of this. haha. oh what a day. will explain further down. but since no post is interesting without some kind of photo stimulation, here are some shots of what josiah is supposed to look like this week, and ofcourse, the "compare your child to a vegetable" pic.


cool thing is he can see light and dark now. :)

and here is what babycenter.com is comparing josiah to this week. cabbage!!


He's apparently about 3 lbs now! and around 15-16 inches long....dont ask how he is 3lbs but ive gained 30. GRR!
ok so after posting THAT for everyone to see, let me just regale my breakdown yesterday. it was not pretty.

ive been noticing some niiiice swelling going on in my ankles, toes, and hands the last few weeks...nothing too noticeable, but ya know, when the bone on the outside of your ankle starts to disappear, you take notice. so i havent exactly been taking it easy. at all. i just dont have time, seriously...its just a time issue...with the salon and my wedding season thats going on right now, i just have so much work to do.

after kate and garretts rehearsal dinner friday night in lynchburg, we came back to the hotel and i had melons for ankles. OH YEA...so i was hoping/praying they wouldnt bother me at the wedding saturday. and praise God they didnt! I'm pretty sure Friday cankles happened because i was on flights the entire morning and man they did a number on my swelling. So Sunday came, and back to the flights we went...and i was a bit swollen but again, not too bad. TUESDAY at work...i was in my nice, comfortable, cushy, SUPPORTIVE nurture mary janes all day...so you'd think id be ok. well about noon i noticed that my toes, entire top of my foot, ankles...every part of that extremity down there was BALLOONING. i started to freak out a little bit. ok a lot. i started with nervous laughter, showing the girls at the salon..."See! look at this ridiculousness!"...tried to sit as much as possible but hey, I'm a salon manager. theres a lot to do and i was running around a lot. by the time 645 came along and i was leaving the salon, i was in full on panic looking at my ankles. i stopped at target because well, a good way to reduce swelling is to swim and i'd decided i needed to start doing this every day at some point. and hello, i do not have my "last october" body so the bikini i had was literally obscene. as you can tell, ive been putting off this whole buying a "while pregnant" bikini thing. but honestly, until you start putting them on in a dressing room with mirrors on all sides you really have no idea what you TRULY look like.

well i chose the sizes i thought would be good, ofcourse they are a lot larger than what i would normally wear which was depressing but....i hadnt gone into the dressing room yet so honestly this was the MOST PLEASANT part little did i know. i started to try on. i started to panic. once you turn around and see yourself from the back and see EXACTLY what tragedies have happened to you, you just dont know....seriously, its hard to see your whole body at 7.5 months pregnant. its hard to bend over, to shave, to put on your shoes...let alone scope yourself out from behind. i realized the the top sizes were fine, and all the bottom sizes were too small. TOO SMALL! ok i know ive been blessed with some curves but THIS SIZE...too small? i literally freaked out. i calmed myself so the dressing room girls didnt call 911 or anything, got my top and bottom and got the heck outta there. saying the whole time on the way to the register that..."ok, its just 2 more months of this. you can buy this size and just wear it for two months. you can handle looking like this for 2 more months." i got to my car, and got to the I-95 on ramp and LOST IT. convulsions, crying like a baby, balling, making the people in the cars passing me feel really badly for me...the works. im talking to myself saying "ive never in my life looked like this...never in my life felt UGLY, literally a beast...."....and then I thought of ben. POOR BEN. i started to hyperventilate, i texted him (yes while driving on 95 and crying so hard i could barely see) and told him i think i was having a panic attack. i think i was, really. i started talking to myself again, partly to me partly to God saying "i wouldnt want to TOUCH me if i were him, this poor guy....what have i let happen to me?" i just felt sooo bad for Ben. seriously. and ofcourse, my ego was CRUSHED. not that i have a big one, but what little self-esteem i had i literally felt like was run over by the mack truck flying by me. it died.

if you read earlier in my blog, in the beginning...you'll see i said things like "oh i'll be fine, whatever i look like whatever i gain i'll be ok with it...its all for josiah its all worth it". and it is. dont get me wrong. in some way i still feel this way. but until you look in that mirror and see what has erupted on you in literally a few weeks time, you just cant know. and i consider myself a strong person...i was not prepared:)

i got home and sat on the couch with my feet up all night watching the biggest loser (yea, GREAT show for me to watch after my day, i know...) and law and order. oh yea, i forgot to mention that when i got home and took off my shoes, i looked down to find that my feet were PURPLE...haha. so swollen and puffy and literally purple! haha. to add to it all...:)

i was still crying when ben got home, he helped me feel better...and praise the Lord he says im still as beautiful as ever. i have to believe him and believe that he really thinks that.

if you all reading this know me, you know this is not like me!!! im pretty confident, not easily shaken...but i can tell you i think its a combination of things...
1. im emotional! hello hormones
2. i dont enjoy bikini shopping when im NOT pregnant, so this trip was just too awful for words.
3. im so ready for josiah to be here and to be a mom that i am just overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings.
4. pregnancy really DOES change everything. especially your body. and i should have been prepared after reading jenny mccarthys book because really, she is an expert (wink wink). but i just wasnt.

so today my eyes are a bit swollen, along with my ankles:) but i praise my Father because he is sovereign. he is taking care of me, taking care of josiah, and he will mend my battered pregnant body, lol. i have way too much to be thankful for to whine about how i will terrify the small child at the pool in my new bikini. for goodness sakes, i have a living little person inside of me that with Gods help..ben and I are going to love and parent and change our lives for. its going to be amazing.

so im ready for him to come now:) and im going to try and save my drama fo yo mama in the future. atleast it was a good read, huh?

in other news, i am infact 30 weeks which i cannot BELIEVE. its flown by. josiahs room has STILL not been started. heres how ive been feeling (outside of what you already read above!)
1. tired. booty tired! still not sleeping well at all. and my record for middle of the night bathroom breaks is now 7. seven times!!! thats like once every hour!
2. i feel super cumbersome. getting up and down and into cars and off the couch, well its harder than ever, haha.
3. swollen. nuff said.
4. back is sore a lot....but thats mainly because im not stretching it or working out like i should.

thats about the extent of it. and yes, i do realize this was a novel of a post. thanks for reading. :) hopefully my next post will be updated with lots of news and pictures about how im finally starting on his ROOM. we shall see.

28 week pics...

hola folks. been a crazy/ridiculous/busy/emotional/whirlwind couple of weeks. will post a 30 week me and josiah update today too, but here are some shots from my belly shoot. yes, i caved and had one done. im glad i did. MUST remember how i looked so i can know exactly how much to work out when he's outta me. :)

love Jessica Lorren.

27 weeks. seriously?

cannot BELIEVE we are this far already. HELLO EVERYONE! sorry its been a few weeks...i've had 4 weddings in the last 5 weekends so ive been kinda MIA...for everything. including my own life, haha. so before we go any further, here i am at 27 weeks. this is my "i'm mad because im huge" face." like it?



I was greeted with an un-friendly number on the scale at the ob today...i wont even tell BEN this number. BLEH! ahh all i can do is laugh and do my best to stay away from cupcakes i guess..anyhow, here are some updates.

1. josiah is cool. i mean, doing well....he's a little over a pound and a half and stretches about 14 inches heel to head. nuts! his heartbeat stays around 140-150..apparently thats normal!
2. my blood pressure is good, my belly is measuring right where it should be, and for the most part im feeling fine! my back doesnt hurt every day now, just maybe one day a week and mostly just at the salon (because im standing all day or sitting on a stool with no back....)
3. i gave up and took off my wedding band and other rings on sunday. they were starting to get pretty tight:) i ran over to kohls where i know they have sterling silver rings...and i picked up one for my right hand, as well as a thick silver band for my ring finger....its a little big right now but im sure it wont be soon enough! the best part is that all their sterling silver rings were 60% off. gotta love sales in this economy. here are my rings!



4. i am starting to really prepare for my next two months. april and may are so busy for me at the salon and traveling for photography...i'm in virginia in 2 weeks for a wedding, every sunday, monday, and tuesday in april is booked with photo shoots and meetings...im at the ob every 2 weeks now instead of 4, i have to start and finish josiahs room/aka moving my office into our bedroom/aka re-doing our bedroom to fit my office....we need to clean out the garage, i have two showers coming up, easter is almost here, i have 5 weddings in may, i have to finish registering, i have to PAINT....ahhhh! the list gets longer and longer. i so wish i could leave the salon sooner and have more time in my days but its just not going to happen. i need HELP! any takers?

5. im having a belly shoot next week. YES. i broke down. its all jess' fault...and kelley's. My friend and photographer extraordinaire Jess Cornett is doing the photo taking..Kelley is doing my makeup, and hopefully steve madden is providing my hot footwear...haha im hitting up a dsw this weekend! i figure ya know what...im huge. i have to feel hot for this shoot! what better way then to snag some peep toe pumps that scream i am fabulous? so yea stay tuned for pics from that, if im brave enough to post any.

lastly, i just wanna praise jesus. praise him because im healthy, i can walk, sit, stand, (for the most part, haha), breathe deeply and sometimes get a decents night sleep. thank him because he has kept me well and protected me from any harm or pregnancy woes. praise him because he was faithful in giving us josiah inside of me and from what we can see, josiah is doing really well. thank and praise him for supportive family and friends and relationships with people who are loving and caring and praying for us dilligently as we get closer to being parents.

alright enough sappy-ness. i AM going to bed before midnight tonight. :) peace out girl scouts!

24 1/2 week shot.

well the time has finally come where i can no longer pretend to look cute. "getting away with it" is sadly, no longer an option. i am large, and in charge. fantastic!

ok haha this picture cracks me up. i have no legs, my face is gay, i look backwards, and the way my dress is hanging im all straight in the back and WHAM round in the front. HAHA. truly horrific. BEN, i demand you take "not as retarded" pictures of me in the future!!

ok thats it for now. i'll update with a more wordy post at my 24 weeks...this thursday. because pregnant people are tired and well, im one of those pregnant people....and im tired. night!

23 weeks and feelin fine...

oh geez i'm getting railed at from all sides...i'm sorry people! these last 3 weeks have been mayhem...and february was one of my SLOW months for photography. ugh. here i am posting!! im alive...josiah is doing well...and i'd thought i'd start my post with a picture today, instead of ending it with on...

so here i am, this is actually last week...so technically 22 weeks. i'll put another post up this week with my 23 weeks belly.

things have been going well...super normal. no major happenings...just a few bumps in the road:) haha. i crack myself up. ok but really, here is what ive been dealing with/feeling lately.
1. josiah using me as a punching bag and a kickboxing partner. yes, i feel him now more than ever and man is he active. he kills me! sometimes i swear he's just taking ONE finger and WHAM, jamming it into my side. it hurts a little bit:) but other than that im liking him movin around in there. cool to feel. not as cool to feel when he decides to have dance parties as soon as i get into bed. but whatev.
2. my back is killing me. started just my lower back, now its the whole thing. im holding up a lot of weight people! im using a lot of icyhot and acetaminophen lately. and shooting weddings and just regular old photo shoots..well..at the end of it i feel like my back is going to just give out. NICE!!
3. itching. thats all im gonna say.
4. im tired and hungry again, kinda like i was in my first trimester. and more now to do than ever before! thats how it goes i guess.
5. a teensy bit of swelling...i notice it only when i try to stretch or sit on the floor or something...and mostly after a long day at the salon. ahhhh cannot wait for may 29th when there will be no more long days at the salon, or days at the salon period.

thats pretty much the jist! i had an ob appt this morning. his heartbeat is good, 150...this week he weighs just over a pound and is around 11 inches. a growin boy for sure. speaking of growing HELLO so am i. i about had a coronary right on the ob scale this morning. i literally said "holy geez" and the lady laughed at me and said..."you're tiny!". well i'm glad i look it and i dont actually have to wear my weight around on my forehead or anything. Lord have mercy..I would die. ben thinks im silly and duh, im supposed to be gaining weight which DUH i know...its just frightening to see that number. that darn number. grrr. but as long as josiah is good, im golden. :)

i know i said i would post some pics of his room...and i'm getting to it. this weekend i'm going to go ahead and move my office into our bedroom...:( not a huge fan, and ben isnt either but theres no where else for it to go. i need to start painting so thats the first step. ben is sanding down the dresser and is going to stain it black...and here are the anthropologie knobs i bought and are still currently in love with...


arent they MARVELOUS? ahhhh i love anthro. the joy of not buying new baby furniture is getting to buy new knobs:)

so lots to get to before small group..gotta go...here is a list of current baby to-do's. anyone wanna help? lol
1. paint room
2. design and buy wood for changing table
3. find and buy used pottery barn crib
4. move my office
5. get that ghetto couch of josiahs room
6. finish registering at babys r us
7. get stoked about the shower my sis is throwing me in tallahassee
8. have my belly shoot with jess
9. finish printing and framing all the b&w images for josiahs room
10. buy stuff. fun, but not on the bank account.

peace out people!

20 weeks aka i feel huge.

yea yea thats right. its finally my time to feel humongous. and i know im not! but man i just feel that way. ive had some great uninvited feedback from random people...."oh you look great" "you're so tiny!" but sometimes im convinced that people just say that because they think.."holy moly this girl must feel like a whale, gotta say something to ease the social pain..". but if i was in doubt before yesterday, well my confidence was definitely boosted while in line at publix. YES, at last an incident with a stranger in publix!! i know, its been a long time coming:) the african american girl who was checking me out says "ooooo girl, u pregnant?"....."girl you looking gooood."...."fo real how far are you? 5 months? shoooooot. you lookin good girlfriend, looking good..alright, alright, yes maam". HAHA! it was the greatest thing! i ofcourse said why thank you, seriously, thank you very much. but i left feeling very validated.

so about the feeling huge, heres why: ok i basically, well...roll out of bed now. there is no just "sitting up"...you roll over and roll off. haha. its really quite funny. and because of my protruding belly, my laugh has changed! i know, its really weird....but it has! its like, deeper, and harder to make a noise come out. its just kind of an erratic, quiet...hysterical laugh. especially when im laying down, oh man. i can barely get a laugh out! still reading belly laughs by jenny mccarthy and seriously, ben laughs at me because i laugh so hard in bed. i was CRYING, real huge baby tears reading the chapter on how your body changes. this laugh thing, its really funny. haha.
oh yea and its hard to slouch. my mom would be super proud:) i cannot slouch...it hurts! everything all squishes together and im like..."um, AIR!". oh and my back is starting to hurt...lower back. such fun!

its been kind of hard these last few weeks, just getting used to the physical changes. literally ive popped out in the last 2 weeks...its kinda scary! im not worried, its just very scary to look at yourself and realize you have no recollection of what your body used to look like. seriously! none. i know it wont be like this forever, but for now its going to take some getting used to:)

it was also a hard week because most of you know from facebook, that ben and i had to put norman to sleep on saturday. very unexpected..he was going to be 3 years old tomorrow...and we didnt know that he was ill but apparently hes been sick for a while, and got really bad really fast. it was hands down the worst day of both ben and i's life. i still cant go into it without crying and losing it, which isnt good for me or josiah or my stress level...so just be praying for ben and I. it still hurts a lot.

in other josiah news, i still havent really felt this kid move around! hes driving me crazy, i am dying to feel him. and i know hes moving around, because our last two sonograms he was a wild man...flipping around, standing on his head, throwing his hands and arms everywhere...i dont know if its just cuz i dont really know what to look out for, or if im so a.d.d that he is where i can feel him and i dont notice because im not paying attention..i dont know~ but everyones telling me that once they start you want them to stop. i dont necessarily know that that will be the case with me:) i cant wait to have dance parties in my belly! super cool.

i ordered enlargements and prints of a bunch of B&W images yesterday to start framing and putting in his room. i have to find the shade of blue i want first and then paint...ben hates to paint, so graham agreed to be my helper for the day! im very excited to get everything started. plus, ben and i registered at target, pottery barn kids...and we still need to go to ikea and babys r us. hey, im trying to give people options:)

alright the entertainment portion is here. here i am at 19 weeks....
and here i am at 20 weeks! taken yesterday....credit ben for making me laugh.
and heres my kid. sweet profile huh?
alright thats it for now. hope i gave you all some laughs for the night!!

18 week belly.

here she blows! sometimes these pics are scary. but man i love this kid!

ITS A BOY - 18 weeks

i can hardly contain myself. i have been on cloud nine since 4pm!!
yes, its a boy. his name is josiah benjamin. YES I FINALLY REVEALED! bust out the blue. bring on the trucks and drills (haha letty!). time to prepare for spit balls and mud fights and things being thrown at me. YES. seriously, i am all about this kid. bring it on!

bens super excited its a boy. i knew he would be! i ofcourse went straight from the dr. to target. i was bummed to find that they did not carry infant chucks. COME ON people...i will have to find them elsewhere. but i did buy johnson & johnson baby lotion, because ive always loved the smell..its the official baby smell. then i bought the bath wrap hoodie, blue...its like a shark or something, i dont know it was an uber adorable towel that you wrap them in after a bath. OMG. oh and then i went to kohls just to browse (secretly hoping THEY had infant chucks), and found a super cute little blue/white striped chaps onsie w/legs. i am going to be that picky mom. i will not, i repeat...will not be buying anything that has cartoon characters or baseball bats or planes or trucks or soccer balls on it...im all about stripes and solids. to each his own, right?? i figure im going to let him decide when the time comes whether he even likes baseball or soccer or planes or trucks. i dont wanna force anything on him, lol...

a few things going on with my this week: so funny. i had a few photo shoots in tallahassee over the weekend. well, by the end of the two days i had almost fallen/tripped FOUR times AND pulled a muscle in my back that is still ailing me. haha. my equilibrium is like, way off. im really not a clumsy person...until now! and then i read my weekly baby update thing and it says:
"Starting to feel a bit off balance? As your belly grows, your center of gravity changes, so you may begin to occasionally feel a little unsteady on your feet. Try to avoid situations with a high risk of falling". haha. so its bad that i carried and climbed up and down a step-stool for 2 hours at my engagement shoot yesterday? yea thats no good, i seriously almost ate it a few times. GREAT! the only other thing is i feel like ive grown a TON in the last 2 weeks. i dont have a picture today, but i'll get one up this week and you can see for yourself.

to end with, i thought i'd regale the story of our sonogram today. suffice it to say i have to go back in two weeks because junior wouldnt let us get a good shot of his mouth and nose, which ya know, those are important to make sure that they are there. so anyways, after she told us it was a boy and we both were like "hahaha told ya!! YES".....josiah proceeded to make finding everything incredibly difficult. the kid was standing on his head half the time, and doing back flips in my womb. seriously! she'd try to find something and he'd be like, eh, you're annoying me...and freaking flip over! he was a wild man! and this all to say that....i now know that this is bens child. oh Lord Jesus help me.

thats all for now folks!! YAYA FOR BOYS!

17 weeks...

it looks like this is going to be a weekly update thing...i try to get on here more than that, but honestly, i'm feeling so normal that i dont think there is more to write about that wont fit in one post:)

this week was the first time i felt people, well..SAW people staring at me. haha. its kinda funny. they look at you like you're some alien life form...just standing/sitting there gawking at your midsection..who knows whats going on in their thoughts at that moment, i dont care. i just think its really humorous. i was at a shower yesterday and distinctly noticed 4-5 girls just mesmerized by my waist...and do they think i cannot see them? haha. i notice everything, its a gift. im keenly aware of whats going on around me at all times, and i just thought it was so funny that well, here i am! its that time. people are starting to stare.

there's also this perception that you are all of the sudden incapable of doing very ordinary non-strenuous things, like moving from the chair to the couch, or bending over to pick something up. HAHA. seriously, i just get a kick out of it all. i mean you hear the cliche "im pregnant, im not dying"....but man, its really true! and i dont blame people, i mean, if you dont know what its like to be pregnant its easy to think of it as some kind of disability that keeps you from being able to do very mundane things...so i dont let it bother me. i humor it..after all, people are good natured generally and they are doing it to be nice. however i pity the first person i dont know who makes a pass at my belly....the claws will come out. believe me you will all know when this happens, there will be a nice long post on here about how i back-handed the crazy belly-touching lady at publix. just wait.

so little things im noticing this week...i can hear and feel my heartbeat like all the way up in my neck and ears. like loud! its crazy. ben says its because my heart is working so much harder, ya know..keeping up with us both. but sometimes when its quiet i get so annoyed with the thump thump in my ear constantly. sleeping on my stomach is pretty much going to end soon..its harder to breathe that way, lol. and bending down or over or slouching is very uncomfortable...i like to take deep breaths and they become labored if im all squished together. and im craving more things now than i ever did my first trimester. actually, i didnt really crave anything my first trimester. right now im LOVING oranges, salads with honey mustard dressing, everything bagels with cream cheese, WATER all the time, craisings, and bbq pork sandwiches with cole slaw. haha, its so random. really, i dont know where any of this comes from. and honestly im really proud of myself for not "milking" this pregnant thing for all its worth. i mean, do you guys know....really know how much i love doughnuts? i could be living off of them. i think i can remember having a doughnut ONCE since we found out about the kiddo. ONCE! yes, im doing well.

other than the above i feel super duper normal. there are moments throughout the day where i forget i am pregnant because i feel so normal...oh and then i just look down and its all confirmed, haha.

before i include the ever-humorous picture of my growing belly, exciting news is that we find out a week from today what this thing is! and then i dont have to call it a thing or it on here anymore:) so stay tuned! (january 26th!!)

here i am at 17 weeks!

15 weeks!

i cant believe....that this is the year we are going to have a baby. its still so weird to think about! we had night of worship last night at church, and i think i cried the entire time...just thanking God for the blessing of pregnancy, asking for my fear and doubt to be stripped away, praying that Ben and I will be the kind of parents God calls us to be, and thanking Him for God-willing entrusting us with a child. i still wake up every day and grab my stomach thinking "please Jesus let it still be in there.."...so last night I really prayed for trust.

so the holidays were crazy, and relaxing at the same time. we went home to deland to be with my family...and wouldnt you know, i got sick christmas day and the 2 days after! haha. like, sick as if i was back in week 7 sick...i barely got off of the couch but to eat and go to the bathroom. a huge bummer...not sure what was up but it eventually went away. im really, really thankful that there has been no throwing up. i'll take laying on the couch any day.

I've had some definite changes since the last time i wrote though! im not as tired, my appetite has calmed down a bit, and for the most part i feel good. oh and theres for sure a growth coming from my midsection. HA! i still feel like im at the stage where people dont really know if you're pregnant or just had a big lunch...it sounds ridiculous, but i kinda cant wait to be bigger so it'll just be obvious!

my doctors appointments up to this point have been pretty standard, take your blood, check your blood pressure, hear that heartbeat (so cool.). they'll be getting more exciting soon, i promise. our ultrasound to find out "boy or girl" is on january 26th...(Kaili's birthday AND Vanessa's due date!) we are soooooo ready to find out and call this thing by name. most of you know the names already but im not revealing until we find out, for those who dont know. i think they're pretty awesome names. after we find out, the fun begins! the registering, the buying, the room decorating..lol. im pretty unconventional when it comes to the decorating thing...i dont think we are going to paint (because the baby is due july 1, and we might be going to dental school somewheres else not in FL)...i figure the kid should know what his momma does and loves, so im filling the room with images, pictures, frames, canvases...thats my idea so far.

so what would a post be without a picture to laugh at right? well here's the latest...me at 15 weeks!



so there ya go. i really should plan these pics around a time when bens home so its not incredibly obvious that im taking them myself, haha. oh well. there it is anyhow. ben and i were shooting a wedding in st. augustine the other day and he snuck a shot of my belly while i was shooting formals. i saw it and was like...HOLY HUGENESS....i almost died. now looking at the above, i dont look too bad...haha. like i care anyways! im happy to be where i am.

alright thats enough for today...i promise to be better at posting. 2009 is a year full of discipline for me, watch out.